Rob Darnell

Sure wish I had something to blog about, but nothing interesting happens around here. Let’s see, uh, yesterday I finished what was left of A&A’s slush and officially ended my career as a slush reader. Just decided it was time to quit, have been slush reading for different editors for the last couple years and while it was a learning experience I’ve reached the end of my line. Also think I’m getting jaded.

So, that’s over. I’m no longer a slush reader, I’m just some guy on the internet. But if you’re wondering, do I think slush reading is good for a writer’s career? Yeah, pretty much. It’s probably not good for everyone, but it’s definately a thing to try. I don’t think I’m a better writer because of it, but I have a better idea of what not to do in my own work, though I’ll probably still make those mistakes. And I have a better idea of what makes a story work. But the most important thing I learned is that my writing sucks and I need to work harder if I want to hold a candle to a vast majority of slush writers.

I guess I decided to quit because it was hard for me to focus on my own writing. If there was slush to read, it was on the back of my mind. When I tell someone I’ll do something, I mean to do it, I don’t like putting it off for long.  I have this “my shit can wait, their shit comes first” mentality. Can’t say it’s all that healthy.

It was fun much of the time, though, and some of the stories were so awesome I was glad to have read them and proud if they were published. It was cool to have been involved in the making of a couple of magazine issues and anthologies. But yeah, it’s time to quit.

I’m sorry, got a little carried away up there. Didn’t mean to make a HUGE scene over slush reading. But like I said, not much of interest happens around here and I wanted to blog about something, just for the hell of it.

Well, I got back to the hearing aid place last week, to have the hearing aids adjusted again. But they’re back like they were before I went in. When I went in last week, I explained the best I could what it was I thought needed to be adjusted and the audiologist (Her name is Julie.) hooked them up to her computer just like before and tried a few different settings, but I wasn’t happy with any of them. So, finally I told her to put it back where it was and I’ll try it like this for another month or so and see if it gets better as I get used to them. I’m still worried that these hearing aids just aren’t going to work out like I’d hoped, but we’ll see.

And, uh, it’s 12:30.

Let’s remember that Michael Jackson was never convicted. He was accused and for all we know, he might have never harmed a child but was merely a victim of slander from people jealous of his huge success. He may have been weird, but I don’t know if he molested anyone, and neither do you or anyone else who posts stuff like this.

Hey Twitter, MJ was a creep alleged child molester. Can we get back to things that matter? Anyone know what Cap & T …

It’s probably better to refrain from making judgements before all the facts are on the table, and that’s advice I should take too because I find myself caught up in the whirlwind of ignorance a lot. The only fact I have about Michael Jackson is that he was an amazing artist and I’m sad that he died. I was watching from the moment they started reporting about him in the hospital and all along I thought he would walk out in a week or so.

I’m going to go ahead and link to Wil Wheaton’s blog.

That makes me feel a lot better. I observe people working all day long, they seem to never stop working. Everyone’s got something to do… except me, or so it seems. I love doing physical work and I do a fair share of it, but as soon as the job is done and if there’s nothing else lined up, instead of looking for something else to do, I’ll wander off and do nothing.

I’m always thinking and often I’m thinking about my fiction, usually wondering how I’m going to move a story forward and whether it’s ridiculous. It never occured to me that all this thinking was considerable work. When I’d sit down to write and didn’t actually write anything or only wrote a couple hundred words, I’d feel like I did a half-assed job.

Sure, I’d love it (and am still trying to get to where I can do it) if I could spend long hours in front of the computer and actually get a word for every second that I’m sitting here. Only because I want to finish more stories in less time. But it’s nice to know that I’m not that different from most writers out there and hence there’s no reason to criticize myself over it.

Like I said the other day, I feel self-conscious a lot. It’s the reason I disappeared from the internet for a while. I wouldn’t blog, I wouldn’t Tweet, I wouldn’t leave comments on anyone’s blog. I was still around, but the only online interaction I had was with close friends via Yahoo Instant Messenger and email. I had pretty much crawled into a shell and was reluctant to sound off publicly about anything.

I worry a lot about the impression I give people, I worry that I come off as a complete asshole or a fool. I was always reining myself in and trying to put forward this professional persona that I don’t even know how to be. I was having trouble accepting myself as I am. All over the place, there’s people talking about the importance of maintaining a professional persona online and off because it’s good for the business you’re trying to establish yourself in and I guess I took a lot of it to heart. I can’t do it anymore, I give up. I’ll never be that person.

I’ve come to realize that the people who talk about what you should or shouldn’t blog or Tweet about and how you should conduct yourself online are no more professional than I am. These are people who I like and respect, but I have to admit that I can’t agree with them on a lot of stuff. I agree that you shouldn’t be an asshole, but “asshole” can be defined as more than just a rude person. I don’t think I’m rude much, but I probably fit the other definations of “asshole”. For example, I could post something that I thought was funny and it might well have been to half of the people who read my blog, but the other half might think I was an asshole because they didn’t find it funny. Or just the fact that I’m often having fun and not being serious, or even that I worry so much about things could make me an asshole to some people.

I need to remember that I can’t please everyone and some people aren’t going to like me no matter what I do, and that’s okay.

A couple months back I was inspired to change my life around. I guess this started with my decision to give hearing aids another try. The last time I had hearing aids I was somewhere between 18 and 23, at least ten years ago. I didn’t like any of the hearing aids I’ve had through out my life. They were an uncomfortable fit in my ears and the sound of them was less than satisfying, there was always a distortion or echo and they made some sounds too loud for me, add on the fact that I was also self-conscious about wearing them when I was in school.

My past experiences with hearing aids have been negative. But I’m older now and no longer concerned with looking cool. I admit that I still find myself feeling self-conscious from time to time, but that I have a couple of amplifiers stuck in my head has nothing to do with it. These days I’d feel better if people did see them, so they’ll know right off the bat that if I didn’t respond when they spoke to me it wasn’t that I was being a jerk.

So, the self-conscious part is out of the way, however the bad fitting and the terrible sounds of my past experiences were still a concern. People have been telling me how much better hearing aids are these days and finally I decided to give it a try. Convinced the hearing aids would make a huge difference on my social life, I decided to change everything else too. I spend about a week cleaning out my house, got rid of several pieces of furniture, I no longer have a library–I got rid of most of the books and bookcases. I got rid of my CD collection, most of my movies and a lot of other stuff. I can’t believe I thought I needed all that junk.

And I bought a new bed, and since I decided to quit collecting stuff like books and CDs, I figured I needed a new hobby and bought a weight bench, it’s now in the room that used to be my library. All this was a couple months ago and I’ve been lifting almost every day since. It gives me something to do when there’s nothing else. I feel a lot better and my house is much roomier now that there’s less furniture.

I got my hearing aids two weeks ago. For the first week there was a terrible distortion on them and it was seemingly harder to understand people, but I went back to the HearUSA place. The lady hooked the hearing aids up to her computer and took the distortion off them, she also made some adjustments to the volume so that the aids weren’t either too loud or too quiet. She made the sound much cleaner for me, and the volume wasn’t so painful. But that was in her quiet office. I was told to contact her if I think they need to be adjusted again and sent home.

It’s been a week since that adjustment. I can’t decide if I need to go back yet. The hearing aids seem to be too loud a lot of the times, or too quiet, but it’s not as bad as it was during the first week and I’m not sure if this is just something I need to get used to or if it’s something HearUSA needs to fix. So, I’m going to wait a little longer before contacting them. I got these things because I was convinced they would make a difference, so far I don’t think they are, but I hope that turns around eventually.

Almost forgot. The hearing aids fit nicely in my ears. They’re comfortable.